The Picture

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We found you yesterday. We all had expected the worst but you are still alive. I’ve been trying to stay positive because you’re alive and that’s a miracle in itself. But you aren’t remembering things, you can’t really talk, and you can’t grasp anything in your hands. You aren’t staying awake for long periods of time and overall, you seem confused. We don’t know much and only time will tell what the future holds.

Yesterday I cleaned and baked; took Olivia for a walk. I was just doing the normal daily routine and trying to stay busy. Staying busy keeps the mind from wandering. Today I have had less motivation to stay busy so mindlessly scrolling through Facebook wins.

I was holding Jameson and Olivia was sitting half on my lap and half on the couch. I had my hands full like always. I picked up my phone and started to scroll when I came across moms Facebook post. It was an update on you along with the Missing Persons poster that the police had shared. Your picture was there; you looking handsome with your perfectly messy hair and crooked smile. Your expression somewhere between, “Should I smile with my whole mouth?” or, “Do I just give them coy?” I stopped and just stared at it for a moment. Feeling stuck between sadness and wanting to giggle because you always have that unsure look on your face when someone asks you to pose for a picture. There’s something deeper to that about you, of course. That constant unsureness…

My favorite pictures of you are the ones I have taken when you weren’t looking or unaware. The ones where we are all together and laughing and I catch you in a moment where you are just being your most vulnerable self. It doesn’t happen too often but the times I have captured it bring me a joy I can’t really put into words, at least not fully. When you laugh, like really laugh, your whole face opens up. You do this thing with your head where you kind of look down or look away like you don’t want us to see all of that light at once. But it’s there… Its bright and sweet and genuine.

I got off track here, because this is really supposed to be about Olivia and her reaction to your picture. So, there we were, the three of us on the couch when I came across your picture. And I really only held my finger there for a moment before I started to scroll again when she said it, “Travis.” But when she says your name it sounds like “Chavassss.” That, in and of itself, is hilarious. An inside joke that only the siblings would understand. Lol. So, she says it and I was certain she was saying something else and I just kept scrolling. But she said it again, “Travis!” She just kept repeating your name and getting frustrated with me until I went back to your picture. When I finally went back to it, she points at your picture and very excitedly says, “Travis. Uncle!” The moment really caught me off guard and I just started to cry.

There is so much significance here. For one, I was shocked that she noticed it was you in a quick scroll and called you out by name. The thing is, I shouldn’t have been shocked. She’s incredibly smart for her age. And I talk about you all the time. Whenever I come across pictures of us, I point you out and say your name, tell her that its Uncle Travis. And you and I have had FaceTime Chats on the phone that Olivia always ends up taking over so she can tell you all about her day. But the truth is, she hasn’t seen you in person since right after Christmas and even then, it was a very brief encounter. It’s been almost four months since she has physically been in a room with you. But she recognized you nonetheless.

Secondly, you have said countless times over the past six months that Olivia doesn’t know who you are. You have mentioned that she doesn’t remember you since you haven’t been around much. I have tried to assure you that she does know who you are because I remind her. And its true. But I can understand why you have been worried about that. And even I had a brief moment of disbelief when she recognized you by picture this morning. But I really shouldn’t have had any sense of doubt. And you shouldn’t either. Let me tell you why…

Its not about how many times I have said your name or shown her a picture of you. Sure, that helps keep you in the back of her mind but that’s not why she knows you, Travis. From the time that I brought her home you were so sweet with her. You were nervous about holding her but you did because you wanted to feel that closeness with her. As she got older, I watched you read to her and play with her. As she became more mobile, you play wrestled with her and pretended to let her win as she crawled all over you. You made her giggle and I watched you smile. Those are all significant moments in her life. They made an imprint on her. YOU made an imprint on her.

You always doubt your light, Travis. You doubt whether or not you have anything to offer the people around you. You shouldn’t have these doubts. You are smart, charming, kind… You are special. If you don’t want to believe any of us since we are family and we “have” to say these things (we don’t), that’s okay.

But you know who you can believe? Olivia. Because she clearly has nothing but good memories up there in her subconscious about you. Enough so to pick your face out of a Facebook scroll and say your name with excitement. She loves her Uncle. And so do I.

To My Husband On Your First Fathers Day

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I didn’t think it was possible to love you any more than I already did, but then our daughter made her whirlwind of an entrance into this world and there you were. Comforting and rocking her when I couldn’t. Holding her close so she felt safe because I was unable to do that for her in those first several hours. You helped hold her to my chest for the first time because I could barely lift my arms. And then you were right by my side helping me navigate the world of breastfeeding. You held our brand new daughter up and guided my hands because I was too weak to do it on my own.

Those first couple of weeks were some of the hardest in every possible way. But you were right there, ready and willing to help me care for this new, tiny life. I always knew you were going to be a great father, but I figured there would be some fumbling and nervous hesitation when met with a fragile 6 pound 11 ounce little being. There was none. And if you felt any kind of nervousness, you hid it magically. Holding and caring for our daughter just came so naturally to you. I have never felt that kind of love… Watching you give your all to this perfect little creature.

Today is your first Fathers Day, and in a little over a month, our little will be turning one. ONE. It’s been almost a year of watching you grow as a person, a husband, and a father. And while every single moment hasn’t been unicorns and rainbows, you have shown me a kind of love I never knew you could possess. It’s given me so much pride and comfort. I’m proud of the man and father I chose to spend this life with. I find comfort in knowing our daughter has a dad who will always be there. One who will stand up for her rights, and for her.

I watch as you play with her and make goofy noises to get her to giggle. It’s refreshing.

I listen during some of her worst moments when you are trying to calm her and your patience could rival that of a monks. Admittedly, you have more patience than me and I like to think I have endless patience when it comes to our spirited daughter. Lol. It’s one of the things I am most thankful for.

I know whenever I’m in the room she reaches for me endlessly and it breaks your heart, but I swear she is never more excited than she is when you walk in the door at 4:30 each day. Her face lights up in a way that makes my heart so happy. I promise when I walk into the room she isn’t cheesing the way she cheeses for you.

That five to ten minutes you spend with her before you head out to the wood shop for your second job are the best minutes of her day. Because if I’m being totally honest, when you walk back out that door, she stares at it like her best friend just left. Every. Single. Day.

There are moments I see myself in her physically but she is a true reflection of you. My favorite moments are when I look over and the two of you are staring and laughing at each other. You’re basically twins. My heart actually feels like it’s going to burst from my chest in those moments. The love I feel is indescribable.

You tell me you never feel stressed about carrying the financial weight. I’m sure that’s not entirely true but you never complain. I never thought I would give up being a contributor to the household bank but being able to stay home to take care of our little sweet was important to both of us. You have done so much to make that happen.

I watch as you get up at 4am to make that trip to D.C. everyday. Then you come home from the job job to do the second job. I see how tired you are. I know your body is sore. But you do it day in and day out. You come inside when dinner is ready, we eat, and then you take over and do the bedtime routine so I can have a few minutes of down time alone. And again, you never complain. I’m beyond blessed.

If all of that wasn’t enough, when I came to you and told you I wanted to make a dream a reality, you wholeheartedly supported me. Because even though being at home with Olivia is the greatest gift, I want and need more. It was important to me to get my own business off the ground so I could hopefully contribute again financially but also still be home to be hands on and not miss a thing. And since it was important to me, it became important to you.

We have worked so hard to build a foundation that can stand up against whatever is thrown our way. It’s taken us years to get where we are and I’m so thankful for all of it. It’s made us stronger as a couple.. As a team.

You may leave an entire ocean of water on the bathroom sink each morning after getting ready.. You insist on wearing shoes inside the house unless I threaten you with bodily harm (and even then you only listen if I have just done my floors), and you may be on your phone way too much.. But none of that truly matters when I see how you are with our daughter.

So Happy First Fathers Day my love. Thank you for all that you are, all that you do.. Thank you for being the absolute best father Olivia could ask for. We are both so lucky. We love you, forever and always.