With pregnancy comes a plethora of symptoms that everyone warns you about. Most notably fatigue, nausea, the constant urge to pee every 20 minutes, being ravenous, and the reminder that your hormones will have you laughing and crying all within the same five minutes. These are all symptoms moms-to-be expect and prepare themselves for. But what about all the symptoms nobody talks about?

I am not ashamed to admit that I have used Google more times in the past 20 weeks than I have had to scurry to a bathroom to pee. And that is saying a lot because I pee like 15 times a day. What can I say? I am a total Google Whore.

Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who has never experienced any abnormal side effects from creating/growing a human being. You, my friend, are a beautiful Unicorn. If you are like me and you have questioned every single thing you have ever heard about pregnancy because you feel like you are alone in your weirdness, stay calm. I am here to list all the symptoms that nobody ever talks about. At least, nobody I have had the pleasure of knowing. So feel free to bond with me over the shenanigans that is my reality…

Dry Mouth and a Horrible After Taste

Every blog, every pregnancy app, every baby book, and just about everything else that talks about “what to expect,” had prepared me for never ending supplies of extra saliva. Everyone made it sound like the inside of my mouth would feel like the Atlantic Ocean when, in fact, my mouth was drier than the Sahara Desert. I have never felt so parched in my entire life and there was nothing I could do to make it better. It didn’t matter how much water I drank, how many cinnamon candies I popped, or how often I chose soup over solids, my mouth was dry. Because of this I felt like I had a constant bad after taste in my mouth even though I barely ate any food in the first 12 weeks. Apparently, my saliva glands don’t work during pregnancy.

The Constant Need to Brush Your Teeth

I think dental hygiene is very important but even I have to admit that I have crossed a line when it comes to brushing my teeth. Maybe it was the whole dry mouth/bad taste that had me reaching for my toothbrush every hour but I am genuinely surprised I have teeth and gums left.

It didn’t matter if it was 2:00 in the afternoon or 3:00 in the morning, if I could sneak away to brush my teeth I was doing so. People at work probably thought I had a condition because I was always being stopped with a toothbrush in hand. I can’t explain it but the need for clean was too strong to ignore.

Round Ligament Pain

Look it up, read an encyclopedia on it, enroll in Med School. Just do whatever is necessary to learn about it. Because I had never heard of it before pregnancy. Sure everyone talks about back pain and “aches and pains,” but nobody ever actually explains round ligament pain and they certainly don’t tell you it’s nothing to worry about. The first couple of months I was convinced my unborn child was being ripped from my uterus. I couldn’t understand why it hurt to walk, sit, stand, laugh, cough… It was like a constant punch to the gut.

After calling my doctor and trying to explain this odd pain that came and went as it pleased, she finally says those three words. And do you know she said them like I was supposed to know what they meant? She said it as casually as telling me she had a Veggie Burger for lunch. Luckily, she explained what it was and told me it was nothing to be concerned about. Just another part of creating human life. Yaaayyyyy…

Sore Boobs and Headlight Nipples

I know what you are thinking: “Everyone knows about sore boobs!” Well, yes, you are correct. Everyone tells you it’s one of the first telltale signs of pregnancy. And boy are they right! I knew I was pregnant before I missed my period because of these bad boys. But what they don’t tell you is that it never really goes away.

The soreness changes but it never really ends. At least, it hasn’t for me. In the beginning it was excruciating. I honestly wanted to chop them off; every slight bump and gust of wind sent me into a tailspin. Thankfully, over time the severity of soreness has changed. But I find that my boobs are just sore all the time in general. By the end of a long work day they just feel tired and bruised. Battered boobies. Lol.

Oh and the nips. My nipples are “on” 24/7. Nobody ever mentioned hard nipples were a thing until after you give birth. But mine are living their best life and they want the world to know they are there.

The Occasional Peeing of the Pants

Yeah, another one for the “after you have a baby” symptom that actually starts before baby is even here. Not to brag, but I have always had a champion bladder. I could go an entire day holding my pee with zero issues pre-pregnancy. My bladder gets the last laugh though because every time I sneeze I have to pray to the bladder gods to see me through without wetting my pants. And it doesn’t matter if I had just relieved myself 20 minutes ago. If I go into a sneezing fit, by the fourth sneeze it is pretty much a given that I will be losing another piece of my dignity one squirt at a time.

Bloating and Horrible, Shameful Gas

Ummm… Yeah. So not only does my stomach bloat up every time I eat something (no matter how small), my gas could rival that of an entire locker room full of football players. I have so much air that needs to escape I am surprised it hasn’t started coming out of my ears. I have never experienced such horrific gas and my husband is convinced I need to see a doctor. He isn’t satisfied with word from the OB that this is something most definitely normal and caused by this beloved child we will soon meet. He has asked me on several occasions to excuse myself to the restroom when I feel the urge to which I reply: fuck that noise. If I did that I would never leave. He will just have to love me through this very difficult time.

I Am So Effffinngg COLD!

I am always hot. It doesn’t matter what season or where I am, I am always on fire and I need air conditioning like the Pope needs Jesus. So imagine my surprise when I realize that has all changed and I can never get warm. I am always freezing and there is not enough heat or enough blankets to keep me warm. I was told something about blood flow and baby and blah blah blah. All I know is I am relating to every single elderly woman at work who has an extra sweater, a blanket, and a space heater on at all times of the year.

I am sure there are other very random symptoms I will find along the way. And I will continue to embrace them as they come because I just know it will all be worth it when Baby T arrives.

What about all of you pregnant momma’s out there? Care to share any of your questionable symptoms?

Rebecca